Thursday, May 23, 2013

Boobs, Butts and Beards. The 2013 Bare Burro Naked 5k Race Report

I woke up early excited about the race. I rolled out of bed and fell on my face.

Time to go get Naked
It's kind of like Disneyland for Physical Anthropologists.

I had won the race the last two years, both times after running Ragnar the day before but this year my body was a total mess. A three peat was unlikely. I was ready to put my best leg forward  and see what happens
By 8:30 when I arrived the weather was already getting nice a toasty (race starts at 10).  I had my foam roller with me and tried to work out a few kinks before the crowds arrived.
(be thankful I posted this pic instead of that one)
Each year they have changed course and it has gotten a little easier each time I wonder what's in store this time?

I guess I should tell you about the Race?

I didn't run totally naked I did wear a pair of Luna Sandals
Well, I tried to run fast (It's not fun chasing a bunch of bare assed dudes) through the first 1/2 mile I was in the lead but I was hurting.  My right hamstring was still knotted up from Ragnar/Boston.  I was faking my way towards being a competitor  (to be honest I had no desire to win at all costs.)

All of a sudden the dude I was battling with missed the turn labeled by a small arrow. Was this was my chance at a possible win?
I screamed!
He only lost a few seconds, his mistake had gave him  a surge of energy and he streaked passed me. For the first time ever at the Bare Burro I was not in the lead? The last two years I had pretty much gone wire to wire for the win but now I had some dudes butt right in my face.  I desperately wanted to pass him but when I tried to push off with my left leg I had nothing.  

Then all of sudden another dude passed me.  Ehh oh well, maybe they'd fall apart? I hung back about 50 to 100 feet as they as they jousted each other for the lead.  
Go Pat Go!

By the 2 mile mark they were gone but so were the people behind me.  My friend Eric Clifton (whom also had ran the race the last 2 years) Looked to be about  a minute behind me.  

I was running hard but I wasn't racing anymore.  I found a comfortable pace and cruised into the finish line for a third place finish.  
(My Typical Sunday Morning)
Sure I would have loved to win the race.  But that wasn't gonna stop me from having a good time. It was hot day, they sold cheap beer, I had cold pool to swim in they had a cute girl giving topless massages. 

 Is  it just me or do naked people just seem nicer? It's hard to be a dick when you're naked? (that's a strange sentence) I spent the rest of the day with a big old grin my face.
That's me my friend Eric Clifton,
(third year in a row  we have taken this shot unfortunately poor Eric didn't win an award this time to cover his junk.)
Eric has won biggest Ultramarathons in the world (including Badwater and  JFK) he has also held some Ultramarthoning's greatest records (100 trail miles in 13:16.)
(But he's never beat me at the Bare Burro)
So you think I live a pretty good life?
(I do)
Well this dude Is and ex-porn star turned professional body painter.  "DUDE!" He travels the world each year with stops including Mardi Gras, Carnival and  Island of Ibiza painting naked women for a living! 
"Do you need an apprentice?"
(If there's community college class on body painting where do I sign up?)
If you wanted you could  naked photos of yourself racing emailed to you after the race.  At first I was hesitant but then I decided what the Hell?  I'm still waiting for them to show up and will add censored versions later when they do.  
Hanging out with your junk out sure is a lot of fun and getting the privilege to run a 5k naked I think that's pretty damn cool. Thank you to Everyone at the Olive Del Ranch for putting on such a great event. It's one race that I definitely look forward to year after year.  Over 200 people Showed up to the race this year and I think just about everyone had a smile on their face.

The Olive Dell Ranch is open year round and if you just want to do some nude hiking or get in some training on how not to flop up and down while running, the Olive Dell Ranch just North of Riverside in Colton CA  the owners are very friendly and very respectful of your privacy.

I should write more and maybe I will later but for now
 "You get what you get and you don't get upset."

For more in depth accounts of the Bare Burro 5k you can read my race reports from the last two years

Update 2014 Reclaiming my title
2014 Race report


  1. Love it! -Trish

  2. I read about this race, and even briefly considered it. But in the end, I just couldn't gather up the nerve. Thanks for the report. It was super fun to read!

  3. My name is Denise Gilbride! I have done the naked run the past three years. I really love when it runs, it helps the chafing and it also makes me feel like Michael phelps in an oil tub. To a normal, innocent bystander it looks like a circus, with juggling balls bouncing everywhere and nuva rings flying out and people jumoping through them. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK I WANNA CONTINOUSLY DO THIS